When I was a kid I hated brushing my teeth.
Like the rest of us, I’d been educated by my parents (and even in school) the benefits of brushing your teeth, how to brush your teeth and so on and so forth. I even knew that brushing could keep your smile looking like this:
It didn’t matter, though, how nice my smile could turn out to be. It didn’t matter how fresh my breath would smell. It didn’t even matter how healthy my mouth would be. You just couldn’t rationalize it with me. Those three minutes of brushing, God forbid twice a day, were just too much for me to handle.
I hated it.
Now, let me preface this next bit by saying kids do funny and strange things. Let’s leave judgements at the top of the post.
Was it this damned toothbrush? Which was almost always blue – unless it was Superman, in which case it would still be blue.
Nah. It couldn’t be. I didn’t hate the brush. It didn’t choose to have the job that it did. And I was certainly too young to consider who invented the toothbrush and why I might hate them.
No. Perhaps it was this thing:
Yes, the dreaded egg timer that mom made us use to ensure that we were brushing for three minutes. My brother cheated by flipping the timer before he even grabbed his toothbrush. My other brother cheated by flipping the timer for about thirty seconds and then flipping it back for another thirty seconds. But me? My plan to avoid the tooth brush was ingenious.
(This is where my sanity and ability to reason properly comes into question.)
I hated brushing my teeth so much that I would, honest-to-God, flip the timer and just stand in the bathroom until it ran out of sand.
There. Three minutes. I must’ve brushed because what else would I do for three minutes?
Mom got smart. Noticed the toothbrush wasn’t wet.
That’s alright. I got smarter.
Yeah, I wet that sucker and flipped the timer. And stood there for three minutes. Three minutes passed and I must’ve brushed. What else would I do in there for three minutes. Not to mention the wet toothbrush.
Not once did it ever occur to me that if I had to sit in the bathroom for three minutes to cover up the fact that I wasn’t brushing, I could’ve just brushed and got it over with.
I remember once or twice, though, when I decided to have some fun while sitting there for three minutes not brushing.
By fun, I mean rubbing toothpaste all over my face and using my brush as a razor. Yeah…..
Remember when I said kids do strange things and there are no judgements here? I mean it.
What possessed me to do this, I’ll never know. Well, actually, that’s a lie. I did it because I hated brushing. And when kids, and immature adults, hate doing something as much as I hated brushing my teeth, they will do anything and everything they can to avoid doing it.
Now, I really don’t know how long it lasted. It wasn’t long. Mom and Dad were too smart.
And like all parents, they took a perverse pleasure in making their children do what they hated.
That has to be the reason I was yelled at until I brushed, doesn’t it? I mean, what parent is actually concerned about the health of their children.
Okay, before I piss off any parents out there, I should go.
I’m not sure if this is as funny for you as it is for me, but I laughed. If you didn’t, go read some other blog.
P.S. For any of you grossed out by the idea of me not brushing my teeth (I don’t see why you would be – you can’t smell my breath or see my teeth where you are) or those worried about my personal hygiene, you should know that they are in fine condition as of now. I mean, people are always giving me mints and gum, but that’s just because they’re nice, right?